A Neckbeard Christmas

Happy Holidays Neckbeard Fans! Welcoming the holidays is always something I look forward to every year. Excessive amounts of eggnog, christmas carolers, the annual business christmas party where Debby makes out with Nicole in front of the entire office, and the Bears wrapping up the NFC North are just some of my favorite things during the holidays. The Bears are coming off a 27-24 overtime victory over the New Orleans Pierre Thomases (or to some, the New Orleans Saints). Some Bear fans were nervous when RB Matt Forte went down early in the 1st quarter. The Bears would need to rely on Neckbeard's arm. He completed 24 of 40 passes for 172 yards, and 2 interceptions. He also showcased his blazing 4.2 speed by scrambling for a 6 yard rushing TD, his 2nd of the year. At times Orton made some very poor decisions, however we can not put the entire blame on him. Most of the blame should be placed on Blaine Elementary school in Chicago. Before the Thursday night game which aired on NFL Network, Orton attended Blaine Elementary school's christmas concert. The Chicago Tribune has published a photograph in which Orton is blatently drunk and shirtless on stage with students in the concert. After the disturbance, Orton took a cab to the stadium to sober up. His shaky performance was no less embarrassing than his attempt to get off the stage earlier in the evening.

Orton & the rest of the Chicago Bears have more then a week to prepare for the Green Bay Packers who they play on Monday Night football on December 22nd. The Bears 8-6, will look to continue their route to the playoffs with a victory over the Green Bay Ladyboys. I want to take a moment to reflect on this website. It is great that Neckbeard fans can have a outlet for Kyle Orton news. Orton is a real man, like the rest of us. A man who drinks until his liver throws in the towel. Too many athletes nowadays are often seen drinking cosmopolitans & Mikes Hard lemonade, these men undoubtedly are putting their masculinity into question. Orton would drink Gasoline if it could give him a buzz.

Cue Pierre Thomas.

Orton prepares for Minnesota

Sunday 8:15 PM ET

Chicago Bears-vs-Minnesota Viqueens

Both teams are 6-5 on the year and sitting on top of the division. The winner of this game will have control of the NFC North. Hopefully the Bears will come away with the win. With Captain Neckbeard at the helm of the Bears offense, there is no reason why the Bears shouldn't come away with a win. If the Bears defense can contain Adrian Peterson, we will have no trouble shutting down Gus "Monday Night Headbutt" Frerotte. In the first meeting of the year between the Bears and the Viqueens, the Bears won 48-41 in a shootout. Neckbeard was 21 of 32 passes for 283 yards with 2 Touchdowns. He had a 114.5 rating, and he blew a .14 at the press conference after the game. As a proud Bears fan, I denounce the entire Minnesota squad as homosexuals. My prediction for the game......

73

7

The Bears will play flawless football, Neckbeard will throw for 7 touchdowns. Adrian Peterson will have a couple nice runs before coming out of the game halfway through the 1st quarter. DT Dusty Dvoracek will sideline him after ripping out his vertabrae. Looking at the game from a completely non-biased view, I will give the Viqueens enough credit to get on the scoreboard. Rex Grossman would come in for his now-annual 1 snap a year to kneel the ball. I think you know where this is going. He would fumble the snap, and fat-fuck Jared Allen would pick it up and run it in for the touchdown. Final Score : 73-7 Bears.

Neckbeard is to Jack Daniels

as

Rex Grossman is to Apple Cherry Wine Coolers

Neckbeard Crashing the Record Books

Kyle Orton's Neckbeard isn't one that has given him Guiness Book of World Records status, but it's pretty damn close. Orton is actually in the record books for something not pertaining to his much heralded facial hair or consumption of alcohol that could kill a small village.

"QB Kyle Orton's 185 passes without an interception are a team record, topping Erik Kramer's old mark of 174 set in 1995. He hasn't been intercepted in his last six games and has only been sacked seven times in those games."

He plays football pretty damn well too. Orton will look to extend this record as long as he can. Closest obstacle in the foreseeable future is the Minnesota Viqueens. Chicago-vs-Minnesota will be the Sunday Night Football game this week. Be sure to clear your schedules to watch the messiah throw the football around. Also rookie sensation Matt Forte will continue to keep playing the work horse role in the offense. This week Kyle Orton will be working with Running Backs coach Tim Spencer, to give Matt Forte some special tips on running between the tackles. Forte fantasy owners expect a huge day from him as any tips from Kyle Orton should put him over 400 yards rushing on the day.

He Is Legend.

Every Quarterback in the NFL has had their own "thing". Peyton Manning does funny commercials, Jon Kitna is friends with Jesus, and Kyle Orton has given the term "Neckbeard" meaning. This website/blog is dedicated to the living legend who goes by the name Neckbeard. Much like Heath Ledger who transformed himself into his role as "The Joker", Kyle Orton has become Neckbeard. At first it was a joke, now it is a movement.

The Bears are currently sitting at 6-5 at the top of the NFC North over the queer ass Vikings, Lions, & Packers. They might very well be 7-4 and have a win over the (at the time) undefeated Tennessee Titans if he remained healthy. Orton has displayed the 1st glimpse of good quarterback play the Bears have seen since Erik Kramer was kind enough to grace the NFL with his presence. To this point, Orton is 182 for 299 with 2,049 while throwing for 11 touchdowns and 4 interceptions. Orton has been playing a great level of football. This can be attributed to his blood alcohol content being below 0.30 on Sundays. There is a stipulation in Orton's contract that allows him to get as drunk as need be for Monday Night Football games. Orton's first Monday Night Football game of this season will be on December 22nd at Soldier Field against the Green Bay Packers. Chances are Orton's Neckbeard will be in full winter effect, thus giving him sub-superhuman powers & a good chance at being shitfaced.

A year or two ago I stumbled across a web site that started a petition to have Kyle Orton shave his neckbeard. Since 2006, this petition has received 404 signatures. This brought me to the conclusion that we are living amongst terrorists. If you signed that online petition, I have a question for you....are you thirsty? If so, please go under your kitchen cabinet and take a double shot of drano. If you aren't thirsty, please go under your kitchen cabinet and take a double shot of drano.

KO18.